That will be enough.

Well, not only did I miss the last day of April, I couldn’t even get it together to close out on May 1.  Well, if you’re going to be late, be really late.  Go big or go home baby.  Let’s just say it was a hectic week and leave it at that.  Of course, now I’m conflicted between exiting quietly, or, spewing an unorganized, rushed and haphazard commentary about all the things I didn’t get to tell you.  It’s an easy answer, really.  Doing things quietly has never been my game.

The fact is, since last April, we’ve arrived at a really good spot.  I catch myself pausing each night, marveling at how happy Coleman is and a bit worried too, fearful that things will go awry and that somehow we’ll end up back in a place where things aren’t so great.   When we left you last year, Coleman had regressed into a tough spot.  We lingered there for a while, doing test after test trying to figure out why Coleman was so miserable.  We feel confident that going Gluten Free was the trigger, probably because we shocked his gut and he went through major withdrawals.  At the same time, the Epstein Barr flare raged higher and higher.  Finally, Dr. Bock came to the theory that Coleman’s chronic viruses (including EBV) were causing a long term immune response resulting in widespread inflammation.  Our subsequent trial of the anti-inflammatory, was truly the beginning of the turnaround for Coleman.  The unbelievably quick response to that antibiotic was the catalyst for months and months of positive changes.  Coleman’s gigantic reduction in anxiety was undebatable and opened for us a door that we simply refuse to close again. 

For starters, a great deal of Coleman’s prior obsessions and sensitivities either went away entirely or were reduced to a point where they are no longer a problem.  Clothing sensitivity? Hardly an issue.  He tugs at them for a second or two to get them ‘right’, but that’s it.  I even managed to get a few sweaters on him this winter without issue.  The turtleneck for skiing – check.  It went right on.  Hats?  No problem. Helmets?  Easy.  Even the hood on the formidable raincoat – we got that on too.  And the big step this year was getting him his own baseball hat to wear out in the sun.  “No thank you” he said politely when we first talked about it.  But we made a big deal out of going to the store to pick one out (he was highly uninterested) and simply said “When we go to the park or out to play we have to wear our hat.”  And that was that.  He’s worn it every day since. (While it looks adorable, the intention was not for looks, but to block the sun from Coleman’s face – he detests sunblock.)

We even made progress with the dreaded changing of seasons.  What used to take weeks of prep to get a winter jacket on took absolutely no time at all.  He even was ok with a mid-season switch to a new jacket when we accidentally left his jacket behind in New Hampshire. “You have to wear this one for a few days until we get your other jacket in New Hampshire ok?  It’s too cold for a vest.”  And, as he put it on the next morning he simply repeated “You have to wear this one for a few days.”  Done. How about that obsession with closing doors? You might remember I had to lock you or some other poor soul in the supermarket by blocking the automatic door with a shopping cart to get it to stay closed, just so I could leave, so obsessed with watching it close was Coleman.  Now I am like a real honest to goodness adult and don’t do such teen-like pranks because Coleman doesn’t care about the door anymore.     And remember our issue with lights? You’ll be happy to hear that Coleman no longer cares who turns on or off lights.  At all.  Go ahead, turn the bathroom light on.  I dare you.  And Driving?  Remember how Coleman was my personal Garmin, except entirely incapable of changing routes?  The slobbering hot mess of a child that he was transformed into if Heaven forbid I took a right on Main street?  This issue persisted for years.   YEARS.  But, now, it’s gone.  No issue anymore.  I can drive anywhere, and take almost any road at any time.  Short cuts never felt so good.  Perhaps best of all is the return to normalcy in our bedtime routine.  I was going to take a video of it for you all, so you could wallow in the glory with me, but then for sure I would have had to really clean the bathrooms and the girls room too which obviously given my tardiness in this post I simply don’t have time for, so you’ll have to just trust me on this one. Coleman’s bedtime routine is absolutely, blissfully boring.  Brushing teeth and saying good night to his sisters. You can really only appreciate this if you knew the absolute circus that was our bedtime routine up until only a few short months ago.  Seriously, I may as well have been juggling chickens and riding a unicycle down my upstairs hallway.  No more.  Hell, I don’t even have to hide the girls’ friends in the closet anymore when they spend the night.  And I think you were all probably judging me a little on that one, so rest assured, no one is in the closet anymore. 

It might be hard for you to imagine how these simple changes could dramatically impact our lives.  Let me just tell you.  They do. When everything from the time you wake up until the time you go to bed is a fight or a meltdown, when turning on a light or putting on a shirt evokes the same response as being hit with a sledgehammer, when you try to avoid almost every single thing in your day that is not exactly the same as it was the prior day, and when you do everything in your power to protect your little guy from those parts of life that challenge him in the most unreasonable ways, well, your days are extraordinarily long and stressful. But then, one day, you wake up to find that all of those things don’t matter anymore.  Somehow your little guy can handle the weight of driving up Main street, and you no longer need to be two steps ahead of him all day because all of those things that are different today are just ok.  God Almighty, it’s like some kind of Heaven. 

It’s been awesome for Coleman too, as he is infinitely happier, laughing so much more, and he is just really just so much more focused.  He begs each night to play games and we happily oblige.  His favorites are hide n’ seek, Tag, and Duck, Duck, Goose.  He misses the finer points of the games, answering “I’m right here!” when you call out rhetorically during Hide n’ Seek, “I wonder where Coleman is?” And he sometimes defeats the point of the ‘Tag’ by demanding you hold his hand while he runs after you.  And, similarly, when you tap his head during Duck, Duck Goose, and he gets up, running after you, laughing but yelling “HOLD MY HAND!”  Still, he is finding so much joy in playing – it’s something beautiful to see.  We are also having fun teaching Coleman jokes – I’ve shared his favorite (i.e. only) ‘knock-knock’ joke in the video below.  We hope you enjoy watching it as much as we do.

In all, things with Coleman are good.  So very, very good.  Yes, he still has Autism.  And sure there are plenty of issues that linger, plenty of things we need to continue to work on.  Our mornings are still difficult, as Coleman seems unable to adjust to the fast pace that is inherent in almost every household on school mornings.  And I still have to pretend to fall out the front door, and I still have to yell “Birds Nest Catching” as I drive away.  So rest easy, our lives are still littered with lunacy.  And there are endless things that Coleman is still not able to do.   He’ll be thirteen this year, and yet he cannot fully write his name, he cannot dress himself, he cannot bathe himself, he cannot tell the difference between friend or foe, he cannot hold a conversation…there are so many ‘cannots’.  But this year the big message is that we crossed a lot of the ‘cannots’ off and put them on the ‘can’ list and for now, we’re happy to focus on that.  If we do that every year, well, eventually, the ‘can’ list will be a lot longer than the ‘cannot’ list.  And that will be enough.   

Looking ahead, we’re learning to ride our new scooter, gearing up for SNAP soccer, and anxiously awaiting track which is set to start up again in two weeks.  We look forward to more impromptu playdates with our neighbor friends, as well as sunny beach days and amusement park roller coaster rides that arrive each year with summer.  Finally, we pray every day: Please God, tiny improvements.  Forward momentum.  That will be enough. 

Thank you for reading again this year.  See you next April.
Birds Nest Catching.