Abby Goes to College

In the middle of August, Abby left for College.

With the help of Coleman’s home ABA team, we created a Social story for him called “Abby is Moving to College.”  The brief story explained in simple terms pretty much that she would go to a new school and she would live there.  In the weeks leading up to her departure, I read a social story to him frequently and I always tried to sound upbeat, like Abby leaving for College was the best thing ever.  But I also told him that it was ok to miss her.  “We’re going to miss Abby so much!  But we can always call her on the phone and we can visit her too.” 

The first time I read him the story, he was highly interested.  The first page read “Abby is moving to College.  College is a school for adults.”  He immediately looked up at me. “What time is Abby coming home?”  Coleman hates when the girls are out.  I explained that we were talking about something for another day, not that day.  That Abby was up in her room and not going anywhere that night.  We finished the story and he looked at me confused.  “Abby is going?”  “No today, but soon, buddy.  Soon she’ll go and live somewhere else.”  I tried to sound upbeat but saying the words out loud was hard for me too.  He didn’t want to read the story again after that, but we kept at it.  I think he understood something big was happening with Abby.  But he didn’t understand what. 

As the day of her departure neared, I taped large desk calendars to the wall – August through November - and wrote in all of the things he loves and looks forward to:  New Hampshire, football games, Halloween and Florida.  And then I added in big letters on a square just a week away “ABBY LEAVES FOR COLLEGE” and on a square in mid-October “ABBY COMES HOME”.   That night, after we read the social story, I took his hand and led him to the calendar.  I pointed to the square on August 20^th and said “In just a few days Abby’s going to leave.  But look, see this,” I said, and slowly slid finger down through August and September, landing on the weekend in October, “she’ll come back and visit here!  She’ll come back and we’ll give her a big hug!  And we can call her and talk to her anytime.”  He stared at the block with her name in it, and then looked at me blankly. “Abby is leaving?” he asked.  “Not today, buddy.  But soon.”

We had talked to Abby about having a conversation with Coleman.  It might be good for you to have a talk with him, we said.  So, on the night before she was leaving, Abby sat down with him.  “I love you Coleman.  Tomorrow, I’m leaving for college.”  And that was all she got out before the tears came.  She was sobbing and I gave her the look like this is not helpful, and through tears she said “I’m sorry, I just can’t say this to him.” So that went really well.    

Over the days after she left, Coleman would frequently stand in front of the calendar, just looking at it. When I approached him, he would simply ask “Abby will be home soon?”  It was heartbreaking honestly.   So, when she called a few weeks in and asked about bringing her some things she forgot, I said “What do you think about me bringing Coleman?”  She had only been gone two weeks, but how he missed her. 

We planned for a quick visit that Sunday and on Saturday I said to Coleman “would you like to go visit Abby tomorrow?”  He nearly jumped up and down, was so visibly excited, that I felt like it would be perfect.  As we drove in, I reminded him “We’ll see Abby, give her a hug, have lunch, and then we will come home. Abby will stay at college and we’ll see her again soon.”

It was a perfect day.  Coleman was thrilled to see Abby and we all went out for lunch.  Everything was great until we had to leave.  “It’s time for us to go home Coley.”  He stood still beside her bed. “Abby is coming home?” he asked quietly.  I know he knew the answer.  “No buddy, Abby is staying here.  But we can visit her again soon, ok?”  He snapped back angrily “OK!” and remained sullen as we walked out.  Still, no meltdown and no big scene so that was a win.  As we walked back to the car he repeated over and over ‘Abby is staying here. You can visit her again soon.’  He was so sad.  I stopped and knelt down beside him.  “I know you are sad.  I’m sad too.  We miss Abby but we will see her again soon, ok?” and I got the angry “OK!” again.  But I know he understood. 

He was much better by the time we got home.  He went to the calendar again.  “We’ll see her soon, don’t worry” I said.   And I left it at that.  As hard as the day was, I think it helped him.  After the visit, he learned that it he was going to be ok.  He learned that she was somewhere else, but not far.  He learned that she was living, just not with us.  Most of all, he learned that our love is so great and so powerful and it stays, even when we are apart.   I learned all of the same things too.