How Soon Is Now?

Day 14:  How Soon Is Now?

I had to travel for work today, something I don’t have to do terribly frequently, thank God.  I dislike travel, mostly because I dislike flying.  Dislike is a mild characterization of my feeling toward flying.   Abhor is more accurate.  Coleman is not a fan of travel either.  More specifically, he is not a fan of me traveling.  And so, when the time comes for me to travel and we need to prep him that I will be gone for a couple of days, well, we don’t exactly do that.  I don’t do that.  I procrastinate.  And today was not unlike many other days in the past.  Getting ready this morning, Billy asks “Did you tell him yet?”  “No. Did you?”  “No.”  The girls ask, “Have you told him yet?” “No.”  Ugh, no one wants to tell him.  Because once he knows, the two days I will be gone will seem like 2 weeks for Billy and the girls.

There was a time that leaving was harder than it is now.  Coleman did not understand the concept of time at all.  Passing time waiting for something to occur was extraordinarily hard on him.  He would ask over and over and over when something would happen… so that I finally started just saying “Soon.  We’ll do that soon.”  And he would ask “Soon now?”  And all I could think about was the title to one of my favorite old songs “How Soon is Now” by the Smiths.  But like so many other things, we have learned some strategies that help him understand the difference between now and three or four days from now.    

The absolute best concept that Coleman understands is First/Then.  It is applicable not only to the concept of time, but to practically everything we do.  I can’t imagine how hard things would be if he didn’t get this.  The concept was introduced by one of his early teachers during her one-on-one time with Coleman.  It was a way to help her get Coleman through the two tasks he had to do.  “First blocks, then T.V.”  It worked.  Then it became “First blocks, then letters, then T.V.”  It progressed to more and more activities, and the concept became solid in his head.  Built on the premise of rewarding good behavior, the First/Then concept put into order the thought process that if first you do what I want, then you will get what you want.  The key principle being of course that there is something that he really wants.  And for a boy without many interests, this was always the challenge.  While some kids could be rewarded with candy or treats, Coleman ate no sweets of any kind.  So to say “First you do letters, then you can have some M&M’s” may as well have been “First you do letters, then you can have some dirt.”  But, if you tag a Backyardigans show onto the end of that statement, well then you probably have yourself a deal.  

The If/Then concept works so well for Coleman, it is part of our everyday language used for things he likes and things he dislikes.  First/Then is Coleman vernacular.  Coleman likes to know the plan, likes to know what lies ahead for him each day.  This is particularly true on weekends.  Through his schedule, Coleman knows Thursdays are Swim lesson days.  He also knows it means one more day of school.  So every Thursday he asks “One more school then no school?”  And as soon as I confirm that for him, he goes straight for the weekend plan.  “First school then how about….” And he waits.  I have to be careful because whatever I say may as well be written in stone.  There is no turning back.  And for me, I hate having a plan.  I’m more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of girl.  So I have to be careful not to commit to something we can’t get done.  Which is hard for me because I’m poor at time management, and always think we have plenty of time to do things.  (Billy is choking right now, I’m sure, reading this, gasping at the colossal understatement).  Still, I’m typically safe with a trip to the park so this usually what I answer.  I’ll say “first school, then sleep and then park!”   Coleman is pretty happy with this one activity to look forward to so that is usually enough and he’ll repeat it several times:  “First one more school and then sleep and then we’ll go to the park!”    I almost never give him more than that, almost never offer up what we are doing on Sunday, because he tends to hyper focus and repeat the plan endlessly until it happens.  Between Thursday night and Sunday…well, that’s a lot of time repeating the plan.  Still, sometimes we are doing things I know he will love, and I can’t resist so I tell him early.  Like this past weekend, I knew we were going to my brother’s house, some of his cousins would be there, and they would all be out on the trampoline.  Three things he loves:  my brother’s house, his cousins, and the trampoline.  So I compromised and told him on Friday.  “First we sleep 2 more times, then Uncle Ronnie’s.”  He asked me around 100 times on Friday:  “two more sleep and then Uncle Ronnie’s?”    And then on Saturday, “One more sleep and then Uncle Ronnie’s?” 100 more times.  He was giddy with excitement by Sunday.  The First/Then concept makes waiting for the future to get here a whole lot easier.    

Of course, the same works for things he doesn’t like to do or is uncomfortable doing.  Like me traveling.  Only in this case, no one is dying to break the news to him.  Because as hyper focused as he gets for the good things, he gets the same way for the not-so-good things.  And we all feel badly – he lets it completely ruin his day.  If I had told him last night about leaving today, he would have been up half the night, “No go? Just come home and hide?”  continuously, and it would have been his first question when he woke up this morning.  I want to prepare him for my departure, but telling him ahead of time is almost worse – he gets so anxious over it that the anticipation of me leaving ends up being far worse than the reality of me being gone.    And so this morning, as I was getting my coat on, I said “I love you.  Be a good boy for Daddy tonight.”  He quickly looked up and asked “You come home and I hide and you find me?” like he knew what I meant.  Billy and I looked at each other and we both knew we couldn’t do it.  My feeling is he will be upset either way – at least if he finds out later, he will be upset for a shorter amount of time, and it will only interfere with one day of school instead of two.  So I left Billy to break the news to him after school.  Which I felt badly about.  And then I said “Good Luck” to Billy instead of “Good Bye” which I also felt badly about.  J  But Billy is good with him – he’ll pull out the calendar and show him visually – first sleep tonight, then school tomorrow, then mom home tomorrow night.  He will be fine, I know that.  And when I call to see how they are, Billy will make some joke about how everything is just wonderful, and how they barely even noticed I was gone.  And I’ll hear Coleman in the background repeating “first sleep, then school, then Mom will find you.”  I can’t wait.  How soon is now?