Unexpected

Day 23:  Unexpected

After last night’s post about all the things that drive Coleman crazy, tonight I had intended to write a fluffy post about all the things he loves.  But we had such a hard night with him, I felt like it would be dishonest of me to keep the tougher times to myself and only talk about the lighter topics.  Please don’t judge Coleman over this.  He is a little boy who simply is trying to get along in a world that he doesn’t always understand.

In his defense, Coleman was up late last night, a factor nearly unavoidable during vacation week as everyone has plans that run into the evenings, and the girls are up late.   In addition, vacation schedules throw Coleman off, he doesn’t understand why there is no school, and every couple of hours he stops dead in his tracks, looks up and asks, “No school today?”  Vacation days for most kids are days to run around playing all day, sleep in late, and enjoy the freedom from a full schedule.   But for a little boy who doesn’t ever sleep in, who doesn’t know how to play, vacation days are long hours to pass by or try to fill up.  As soon as he woke up this morning he asked “Today how about..” and waited for the plan.  I told him Auntie Sue would take him to Kidzone and when I came home from work we would go to Friendlies, which a place he usually loves.   So when I came in at 5:30, I fully expected to pack up and go to Friendlies. 

Except, for the reasons already mentioned and who knows what other ones, Coleman was starting to unravel just as I came in the door.  “Where are we going?” he asked.  “To Friendlies!” I answered, sure this is what he was waiting for.  Instead, he said “No! How about go to Vinnie and Tracy’s house?”   Vinnie and Tracey are our good friends, and Coleman loves to go to their house.  We love it too, and Vinnie and Tracey are as warm and welcoming to Coleman as anyone we have ever met…it’s no wonder he loves them.  Vinnie has favorite guys status, and even a picture on our story board.  But tonight we weren’t going to Vinnie’s house.  So I told him “No, we can’t go there tonight.  But we can go to Friendlies.”   “No! Go to Uncle Ronnie’s and jump on the trampoline?” he asked instead.  But it was dinner time and everyone was ready to go and waiting to eat.  “Maybe later buddy, let’s go to dinner first” I offered.  But he was already falling apart – you could see it coming.  Emma started to groan.  “Here we go…” she commented.  I tried to get him outside but then he wanted to come back in yelling and kicking.  Then we got out to the car, but Billy came out after us, and Coleman was sure he shut off some light so he was yelling and trying to get back in.  After we showed him the lights, and got back in the car, we had to go back in for a waffle.  When we finally got in the car, he started again. “Please Vinnie’s house?” he said.  “No Coleman not tonight.”  And then he started yelling, “Please Uncle Ronnie’s and jump on the trampoline?”  He was escalating and it was becoming clear he would be in no mood to bring into a public restaurant.  “Maybe later Coleman” I said again.  But he was really coming apart, crying, kicking, and trying hard to grab at Emma who was sitting in the seat beside him.  The school uses the phrase “That was unexpected” for when he has behavior outbursts that they want to ignore and not tolerate.  But the phrase did little for us tonight.  He threw his DVD player (which I grabbed and did not give back) and his meltdown continued.  “Please go to Uncle Ronnie’s” he begged. “Please? Okay. Uncle Ronnie’s and Trampoline.”  In his defense, he wanted some fun.  He was holed up for most of the day, doing nothing, and suddenly the idea of going to dinner was not all that appealing.  He wanted to have fun, and I couldn’t blame him.  But we also needed to have dinner no matter what we did next.  So I continued to try to calm him down.  We nixed the plan for Friendlies and ordered take out.  But even there, he insisted on coming in, and then went straight over to Abby and Emma, asking them if we could go to Uncle Ronnie’s house.   And when they said the response I had told them to say “Maybe later”, he ran to them and grabbed their hair, yelling “GO TO UNCLE RONNIES AND JUMP ON TRAMPOLINE!”   Back in the car it continued, and by now he was a crying mess.  Worse, going to Uncle Ronnie’s was now out of the question.  Both because it was clear he was exhausted and needed to go to bed, but also because we couldn’t reward this behavior by giving him what he wanted.  Which is hard because he just doesn’t understand the reasoning in words.  I try to explain that we can’t go over, that we will sleep first and go tomorrow.  But he doesn’t want to hear sleep – he wants to go today.  When we got back to the house, he was still sobbing, crying, “Please? I say Please?  Please say okay? Say okay? Go to Uncle Ronnie’s?”   You want to give in, to end this long battle, and to give him some comfort, because it seems he just does not understand.  But I couldn’t do it – as much as I wanted to, we had to stick to what we had said.  So I shook my head no again, and the meltdown started all over.  He was crying uncontrollably, telling himself “take deep breath” and “Calm down” but was unable to control himself.  He would calm down just enough to ask again, and he would try to say it very sweetly.  “I’m good.  Go to Uncle Ronnie’s?  No Sleep?”   Oh Lord, it went on and on, asking and answering at least 150 times.  For two full hours, until he finally calmed down.  And by then, everyone was upset. 

No one likes when he is like this – it is debilitating to him, and frustrating for us.  And emotionally draining for everyone.  And after the two hours when he has finally calmed himself down and is happy again, the rest of us are left with a hangover from the fight.  All children go through stages where they have meltdowns and they all get past them.  The hard part with someone like Coleman is that he doesn’t understand reasoning.  I wanted to hold him and explain that it was too late to jump on the trampoline, that he went to bed very late the night before and he was exhausted, that the trampoline was wet from the rain, that we hadn’t yet eaten, and of course that screaming won’t get you what you want.  But all those words would mean nothing to him.  He understands only Yes we can go or No we can’t go, not any of the reasons why.  And that is the hard part.     As I said, a lot of factors played into this, not the least of which was the change in schedule and the long, unfilled day.  If nothing else, it is a timely reminder that we need to get a plan in place for the summer.  Or everyday this summer will be like this. 

Coleman and Vinnie!